An Introduction to Video Games – Voletic Vaults (1986)
Meet Margaret our fifty-year-old mother of two from Blackpool. You will usually find her boiling up a fresh batch of brownies in the kitchenette of her static home for her festively plump, video game obsessed man-babies. Today however, she will be taking part in our groundbreaking role-reversal scheme. On this unique occasion we are turning the tables from the usual dynamic to explore the deep, enigmatic underbelly of Video Games. Taking on the role of interviewer, Margaret will pose me questions that all mothers around the country are asking, for I am the light through the fog. Wish me luck!
M – What Are Video Games?
E – Video games are a radical new introduction; they provide the stimulation of a board game such as Buckaroo, with the stunning visuals of a summer movie blockbuster like Howard the Duck. While it is true that video games provide very little (if any) religious merit, they are still widely enjoyed by the youth of today. Teenagers usually “hang” at their “marijuana and kissing” parties to get a “fix” of the “vibes” that these games radiate. Unfortunately for you and I, these games chose to reward the player for negative behaviors, such as independent thought and self-expression, whilst seeking to punish the more positive behaviors like doing the dishes or giving your chemistry teacher a kiss on the forehead.
As a general rule of thumb – Video Games are the cause for anything that you think isn’t quite right with your children.
M – My Son Said a Word I Don’t Understand Is He Possessed by an Entity or Demon?
E – You are right to question little Billy’s sudden change in demeanor, but fear not! Let me break down some of this jargon for you:
Computer: An electronic box where wizards store their magic.
Joystick: A thing you plug in to the thing to play the things.
The Great Old Ones: A loose order of cosmic Gods who predate the universe. They are the source of insurmountable terror.
Megabyte: The largest measurement of data, it is the equivalent of light speed, the speed limit of the universe.
Gigabyte: A pointless theoretical measurement of data dreamed up by philosophers (Think googolplex)
The Endless Clawing: A sensation of being clawed at from the inside by numerous entities.
Internet: A web html hypertext link coding data CPU with LAN and WAN modem ports.
Amstrad: The Ferrari of computers, you will probably hear this name spoken a lot in future generations.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn: A hip computer phrase uttered by only the coolest kids in the know.
Of course half the battle is understanding, communication and love, so I hope this provides good ammunition for your first steps into their strange and weird world.
M – Should I Eat the Cartridges?
E – While the cartridges are delicious and have many megabytes, it is recommended that you do not eat them; eating computer chips and solid plastic has no nutritional value. Why not enjoy them plugged in to your favorite video games console instead?
M – What is a Video Games Console?
E – This is the hardware (or computer) that runs your cartridges. The newly released Nintendo Entertainment Systems is the best example of this; it is essentially a soulless lump of white and grey plastic devoid of any humanity. The experience of playing one is described by the experts as “a temporary escape from your dreary life of masturbating into your own filth whilst dreaming up ways to end it all”. But is it for everyone? In our opinion yes, but unfortunately it is only affordable by a very select pantheon of young Saudi Princes or the bratty bosom children of Wall Street’s white-nosed elite.
M – But What Can I Do on These Con…Cunsils…Consolds?
E – You can play games like Ice Climbers or Mario Bros, Nintendo’s indulgent self published titles, which mess with the tried and tested formulas of the beloved sports Tennis and Baseball (Feel the Swing!)*. Voletic recommends that you invest in the NES’ Tennis and Baseball (Feel the Swing!)** games instead, they provide the ultimate simulation for the sports Tennis and Baseball (Feel the Swing!)**. Why would you bother investing in something you don’t know?
M – Will Nintendo Still Sell Its Playing Cards?
E – That really is none of your business.
M – What Is This Bleak and Sterile Future?
E – It is the new Promised Land of the computer generation and we are the aging relics of a world no longer relevant. Fading candles burnt out, impotent and unrelatable… Is that a gun?
M – What? You Mean This Fully Serviced Nickel Plated Colt Python Point Three-Four-Seven Magnum With a Six Inch Barrel? It’s Just for Comfort.
E – Why don’t you put it down so we both feel comfortable?
M – I’m Asking the Questions Here. Cock Sucker.
E – Ok, be cool, be cool…
M – You Don’t Think I’m Cool?
E – I didn’t say that.
M – Why Don’t You Dance for Me?
E – Ok, I’m dancing, just please don’t shoot me…
M – Stop Crying, It’s Not Even Loaded… See?
[Unfortunately the interview had to be cut short due to gunshot wounds sustained by our Staff Writer. Margaret had to leave due to other commitments; we wish her all the best and a safe journey!]
* Sponsored by Nintendo Entertainment System’s Tennis® and Baseball® Video Games, available in stores now.
** “Tennis”, “Baseball” and “Feel the Swing!” are Registered Trade Marks of Nintendo Company ltd.